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Saturday. 4.22.17 12:19 am
I'm about to just dump everything that's been building up in my mind for several months now. It probably won't be fun to read, but it's all just been swirling around and I need to put it somewhere. These are the thoughts I don't have the guts to say out loud. These are the things I've been feeling that I refuse to let my closest friends know have been running through my mind. It's what I'm thinking when I'm quiet for a while, and I'm asked, "Hey, are you okay?" and I say I'm fine.
Some of this may also be a bit triggering if you deal with suicidal thoughts and depression, so you've been warned.
I've been doing this thing lately.
I guess it's normal. People call it waking up? Sure. When I wake up in the morning... I have it all planned out. I know what I need to do in order to make sure I don't overwhelm myself with last-minute tasks at the end of the week. But I am numb. I can't get myself out of bed. My first thoughts are always how I wish I were dead. There's a tingling across my throat where I know a blade could drag across and make it stop. I won't act on it, though. I've fought too hard to make it to this point. I refuse to quit, when everything I've done to create a healthy environment for myself is finally paying off.
I'll get up when I know I need to feed my cats. When I know that I only have 20 minutes to get ready for work, or I'll be late. I just don't know how to handle being conscious.
On a good day, I'll start out with enough time to actually put on my makeup properly. Maybe I'll make a smoothie so I'm not completely hangry at work all day.
Being at work helps, especially when we're busy. I can focus on just helping customers and getting my task lists done. It's all I'll focus on. If I slow down too much, then there's too much time to think. Distractions are my life. As long as I'm busy, I won't have to confront the real issue at hand.
By the end of my day, I'm exhausted. I'm dragging. My eyelids begin to droop as I drive home. How am I awake? How did I get through all of that? I wonder if I can convince myself to start my laundry when I get back, or cook dinner? I usually don't. I'll still feed the cats and give them love, though.
Some days are better. I'll still start out numb, but it fades more as the day goes on.
And I know why this has begun to be an issue again.
I haven't properly dealt with all of the emotional damage from my last relationship. I was emotionally abused and manipulated, and near the end it even became physical. My way of "dealing" with everything was to shut down and pretend it was already in the past. I picked up a habit of assuming the worst intentions from every new guy I meet. If you assume they're lying to you, then there's no expectations to be let down when you find out you're right.
But, recently, I've been seeing someone. And... I trust him. Every friend I've introduced him to loves him. He goes out of his way to do sweet things for me. Simple, but thoughtful things. Everything about him is making me think twice. I have to make a conscious decision to trust him. Not because he isn't trustworthy, but because I've been so conditioned to do the opposite. My gut reaction is to think this person is trying to cover for something. I'm used to these kinds of actions being part of the "honeymooning" phase of the abusive cycle.
But he's not doing these things to get me in position for some fucked up manipulation. He's not dragging me down. He's not making me feel like shit about myself. He's not making me fill in the gaps for his mommy issues or anything like that. He's just doing it because he wants me to be happy. Purely for me. For my benefit.
I'm used to my trust and emotions being twisted and turned for the benefit of my ex. I've tried to tune them out so I can't be used that way again. But now I'm in a situation that requires feeling. I'm in a place that requires my emotional feedback and openness. How did I get here? How did this fall into my lap?
Thinking and working through all of this has been stressful for me. Allowing myself to care about a person, and take the risk of it turning out poorly has scared me. My anxiety is so high right now. And my depression is triggered by my anxiety. But I know that if I work through this, and really try to train myself to trust again, it will work out for my own good. I'll benefit.
I could obviously get hurt. I'm still hurting from the past. But it's worth the risk. Even if what I'm feeling when I look into those stupid blue eyes is only a numbed down version of the full emotion that's buried deep inside of me... it's going to be worth it.
I'm really sorry to hear you've been dealing with depression and anxiety. Playing life on hard mode sucks, although I'm glad you're still managing to make it through, and that you've found someone who treats you well. I hope things get better for you soon.
» randomjunk on 2017-04-22 04:00:29
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