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The Grass Is Greener
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jabberwock
Age. 22
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. ginger
» More info.
Confusion
Saturday. 6.4.16 10:54 pm
Super duper confused.

I've been living with Ian for almost a year, with his dad and our friend Michael.

I don't enjoy living here, though. It's like a bachelor pad to the max. And Ian knows I hate living with so many people, and that I've been looking at getting my own place.

We finally stopped fighting so much, as his mood swings have calmed down quite a bit. But after the last fight we had, I'm really not sure about how invested I am anymore. I hate confrontation, though. And, I mean, I live here. There are so many things I have to move out with if we break up, and if we break up, it'll be really ugly. I just feel really confused.

And now, I'm finding out that we will most likely have to leave the house in November because the landlord might be renting it to his cousin instead. So, Ian's dad has been looking at other houses to rent. And he found one he likes. His dad would live in the basement, and we (Ian, Michael and myself) would have the upper levels all to ourselves save for the kitchen. I would then be expected to pay rent, as well.
But this is a huge commitment for me. I don't like living with all these people. It's uncomfortable. I kind of just want some freedom. I don't like that I'm kind of trapped in this situation. If I choose to move out and just stay at my parents, or find another place to stay, it will definitely end the relationship.

I'm pretty sure I still love him. Maybe? Idk. I don't really know. I also don't know if he'll stay better or if it will get worse again. (It will get worse again. Something is bound to trigger him eventually.)

I can't get a hold of my best friend so I haven't even talked to her about it to get her opinion.

I very much feel like a deer caught in the headlights. Very confused and startled, and not sure what to do. So I just sit here and panic and try to convince him that I'm okay and just tired.

:/
Blah.

I got Molly spayed, though. And she's calming down very well. She's just the most beautiful cat and I love her to bits. (If we break up, Molly stays with me. He would keep Layla. I would miss Layla.)

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How do window screens even work?
Saturday. 5.21.16 11:12 pm
I was looking on the Home Depot website for an insect screen that you put on your window... and I guess it's just part of growing up and realizing that things aren't as easy to take care of as you would assume them to be. Seriously, try to find a replacement screen for a window. It's not easy. It's just rolls and rolls of screen material. WTF am I supposed to do with that?

Transitioning back to vegan, too. I fell off the bandwagon so long ago and I've gotten pretty gross feeling. Just time to get back to taking care of myself more. Bought my favorite vegan "ice cream" to celebrate.

Apartment searching is also dumb and confusing.

Long story short, I want to be 5 again.

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Never Again
Tuesday. 5.3.16 1:50 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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It's a rainy day
Monday. 4.25.16 11:24 pm
So, I got my tax return back. And I was really unsure of what I should use it for. I really wanted a MacBook, but I wasn't totally sold on it, because my phone is the rose gold iPhone, and they didn't have the MacBook in rose gold. (Like, come on, you're going to offer it in all the other colors you have the iPhone in, but not the pink one? Lame.) And then they came out with it in rose gold, and my color-coordinated heart was sold.

I'm selling my old laptop to my boyfriend's dad. He really liked it, and was going to buy a new one anyways.

This thing is so thin. And fast. And pretty. And I really like what they've done with the keyboard. And the force touch thing is actually pretty cool. So yeah. Here I am.

There's a squirrel outside my window, and he literally looks like a poorly made gif. He's just kind of twitching back and forth.

I've been really working my butt off with my job at FedEx lately. I'm trying to get promoted and make a bit more money. Mostly because I'm trying to get to the point where I can afford to get my own place again. I could afford it before, but then when I wrecked my Prius and still had to finish the payments on that, and pay for a new car? Kind of screwed me over there. So I'm living with my boyfriend Ian, and his dad, and one of Ian's friends who's staying here for a while until he gets a place too. It's a bachelor pad cluster. And it's not very fun for me all the time. I'm way too into peace and quiet and cleanliness for this to really work well for me long-term. So I'll be looking into apartments as soon as I get a better pay rate.

I miss having space to myself.

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